[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
They did not miss in the small print
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.