ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet