me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.