If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’