HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.