Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
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I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Ghost costume 😂
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.