I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh