He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
#SCOTUS one-star review
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
i hate you platonically