Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
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Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
They’re not wrong
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef