I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.