The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
You Might Also Like
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop