today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls