I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”