HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
He-man has a Masters degree
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
just leave it at the foot of the bed
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Breaking news:
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Venn
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light