A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My wife gives the best headache.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!