Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
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GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.