I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU