Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.