gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.