Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.