Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Cha-ching is my safe word
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.