[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
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One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her