GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me