*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.