This is I, Robot all over again
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If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
my favorite genre of twitter
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?