I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
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[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?