Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute