Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
You Might Also Like
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.