George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha