Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
starting a garage orchestra
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!