Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
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I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.