do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I love the National Park Service.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”