“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
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“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.