me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.