When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
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My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
love it when they get my name right
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means