I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore