If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it