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channeling her this year
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
IT’S-A ME,
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Mad Max Arctic Road
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper