My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
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Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”