Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
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Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth