[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life