The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My birth announcement for our third baby
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude