At least try to make it slightly believable
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boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.