The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
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The opposite of goth is stopth.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Just say no
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…