I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
This squirrel eats better than I do
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th