Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
You Might Also Like
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.