When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Just how popey was the pope today?
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy