Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin