“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
My blood type is b hungry.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.