The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
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I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
The 6 types of sex
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.